This post was most recently updated on May 4th, 2024
What is a true friend and what does it mean to you and those you are friends with? To many of my friends and family today, this simple question is not always that simple.
Like the concept of Love, friendship often times has many meanings, or has lost much of its meaning today. To better understand what is a true friend perhaps we can work backwards and ask ourselves in an honest and reflective way, then take it from there.
What is Not a True Friendship
The Needy Taker
The phone rings, you know who it is. This particular friend/caller normally does not call you often. It’ll typically begin with some small talk, hello how are you doing etc.
Then the reason for the phone call becomes more apparent : “I was wondering if you could do me a favor” This caller and individuals in your life like them will almost always use and benefit from the friendship you extend to them.
If you’re fortunate, you will also benefit from being their friend(but that’s not always the case)
With me personally, I have valued certain friendships based on my history and time I’ve known them. So for example, people I knew during my college days, I typically have a fondness for because those years were some of the best years of my life.
Even though I have close friends I’ve met many years after that, I will typically (because of the past) have a special bond with those who were there during my happiest times.
Unfortunately, this may not be the best criteria for really understanding what is a true friend In this situation, you will often times overlook and apply a different standard and expectation.
It’s very possible that at the end even with these very special people in the past, you will just end up disappointed today because of a different standard you applied to them. What’s worse is the present and future friendships may also be harmed by this disappointment.
Back to the topic at hand. Being giving of yourself, whether it be your talents, financial assistance, advice, or support of any kind involves 2 people.
It doesn’t always mean this support is always equal, but it does mean that both people have to be involved in helping the other. There is no benefit in keeping the needy taker if all that happens in the end is you’re left disappointed.
Friends Associated with Interests and Work
There’s nothing better than being able to work in a place where you get along with everyone. When you really think about, you probably spend just as much time with people you work and go to school with on a typical day than even your own family. Is this a good criterion/setting and foundation for building friendships? Not necessarily.
This really can go both ways, and it may depend on the relationship you have outside of say the office or classroom. Yes, good healthy relationships certainly means you should be spending quality time together, but time working and studying doesn’t always imply quality relationship time.
Friendship is more than just shared activities
Are you involved in activities that take up a large portion of your leisure time? Sports and leisurely activities like Golf, tennis, other competitive sports and leisure, Bible and religious duties, breakfast clubs, charity events?
You certainly can meet wonderful people in all these types of situations. And there is no doubt that they can lead to some wonderful long-lasting friendships. However, I believe it is really dependent on other very important factors.
Just as you can build great friendships from being at work or school, these factors involve whether you can remain friends if that activity ends.
As an example, you belong to some club, or some sort of activity like fishing or tennis. If for some reason you ceased and moved on to other things, would your associations with those persons you became friends with fishing or playing tennis end as well?
Often times this happens to many people and the friendships they’ve built from these shared love of activities and pastimes ends as well. I’ve known people who got sick, disabled, once the shared activities ends, so does their associations and contact with those persons.
You’ve Got Something I Need
Do you have a nice car, how about cool boat or just have a God given talent that many others don’t have but others wish they had? You see it all the time with celebrities as well as the rich and famous.
Anyone and everyone wants to be your friend. You have something that others dream and wish for. I bet you have mutual friends that would not want nothing to do with one another if it weren’t for you.
For example, one friend realizes you’re very successful at something, another mutual friend realizes the same thing. Both friends cling to you and this talent and success, yet both friends would want nothing to do with each other whatsoever, not even as just respectful associates.
It’s more about your talent they’re drawn to, not necessarily the person you are. Again, it’s something you have, and probably something they wish they had.
These types of individuals you sometimes have to be mindful of. They are another type of needy friend, but for different reasons. It isn’t for favors, but it’s for gifts they want for themselves. Gifts you have. Most of these individuals will come and go during phases of your success and failures.
What is a True Friend – Qualities of a True Friend
A great way to really begin to understand what is a true friend is by good ole honest reflection. We’ll highlight some important qualities of a true friend, as well as a few questions you can ask yourself.
Often times depending on your own answers, you’ll know whether you have a true and genuine friend. Here are a few qualities and scenarios to think about:
Selfless and Giving
Remember that friend earlier that called you? You haven’t heard from them for days or weeks, yet you get a call out of the blue and before the call ends you know for sure you’ll be asked to do a favor? OK well now ask yourself how often have you’ve asked that same person for a favor.
Even if it’s a small favor like a ride to the market because your car is in the shop for repairs or you need help to take a pet to your veterinarian. Try not keep score of favors though, that’s not a good thing. A friendship isn’t about keeping score of favors.
A true friendship involves doing favors without expecting a return. It isn’t a favor and a return on an investment. Selfless acts of kindness and concern are very important factors in true friendships, this often involves being thoughtful and giving of yourself.
And you know what? It’s not always about money either. It can be something related to some type of talent or skill you have that can greatly benefit your friend, especially in their time of need.
Loyalty – During Good Times and Bad
When things are good, things are going your way, others usually want to share or be part of those good things. It can often involve, money, success new opportunities etc. What about when things take a turn for the worse? Perhaps it’s marital problems or even having to experience emotionally from traumatic events like marital infidelity or loss of a loved one? Your true friends will emerge during these most turbulent times of need. This is when you really learn the true meaning of what is a true friend .
Forgiving – Friendship Over Pride
It’s impossible to be friends with someone for many years and not have an argument, experience resentment or anger, or even a brief falling out. Expecting perfection in any type of relationship is very unrealistic and can really do harm and detriment to the respect that a friendship is built on.
One of the test and pillars of a friendship and a relationship is forgiving when one or both persons makes a mistake. Being able to forgive not only involves understanding that the other person is and will never be perfect, being able to forgive also means that prideful selfishness is never more important than the value of the friendship.
Everyone knows someone who never admits fault, never apologizes for mistakes. Even if they do apologize, an excuse or a reason is given instead of taking the entire responsibility for their wrongs.
There is nothing worse than a prideful heart. If you have friends today that have this quality, be very careful you will not be on the receiving end of that selfish pride. You will lose another very important quality that every friend should have, Trust and Trustworthiness.
Trustworthy
There’s nothing worse than doubt. Doubts lead to fears, and these fears eventually destroy faith. Learning trust seems easy these days, but many people have been harmed by bad experiences, disappointments and bad influences .
Ironically, being distrustful really does more harm to oneself, even if you believe it’s a way to protect yourself from being taken advantage of.
With regard to friendship, trust is too interwoven with the other important qualities of friendship. This quality of Trust may be the most important for that reason. You could have all the other great qualities, but if this very important quality of trust doesn’t exist, the friendship and relationship is on weak foundations.
Conclusion
This is by no means a comprehensive list of important considerations when we think of what is a true friend, I’m sure I’ve left out others. Life experiences have taught me about myself and others.
True friendships have been part of that life and have been a true blessing. May your friendships be just as fruitful!!
