This post was most recently updated on May 3rd, 2024
You know what surprises me about many of my married friends? Many of them still think about, or mention a former love. Often it’s someone from their youth or even as far back as their childhood years. Perhaps it’s just natural. You’re obviously not with that person today, and you just wonder how it would have been if you were with that former love today.
Why do so many resist letting go of love?
It’s not just married individuals per se, it happens to many others in a long-term relationship. You’re looking at your life, perhaps it’s just gotten too routine, maybe things have just gotten boring. Or an even more serious reason, there’s emotional neglect by your partner.
Sometimes it’s something innocent: I had a close childhood friend that wanted to reconnect with his childhood sweetheart. Their relationship was purely platonic, but tender and loving. Unfortunately, there was a falling out decades ago where a misunderstanding lead to an abrupt, albeit unfortunate separation that left painful emotional scars and memories.
It still bothers his conscience. He had to go back to just apologize for his behavior, lack of maturity, and sensitivity that caused a very unpleasant breakup. It was an experience he never quite got over, yet it happened almost 3 decades ago.
What’s the Common Thread?
In both these situations the common thread seems to be the emotional attachment that even time and change couldn’t destroy. Something is still there but what? Now here’s the thing. My friend and I are men. I gave him my opinion of what I thought he should and should not do about trying to reach out and reconnect with his childhood sweetheart.
My opinion was that from a male’s perspective, I understand his mindset his intentions. To a woman, the emotional experience from that memory could be different. Women
Time makes letting go of love a lot easier, but that doesn’t mean we forget bad memories either. It’s very much like when someone tells you “I forgive you, but I won’t forget what you did!” It sort of cancels itself out.
Ok, so what do you do? You’re on the Internet at your desk or on your phone, you can find out just about anything and everything about people from your past. Your former love is there smiling in photos, having fun with her friends, looking even more attractive today than when you were the most important person in his/hers life.
My first thoughts and the most reasonable question would be. What’s the plan? What’s the real aim here? Now my friend tells me, it’s just to take care of unfinished business. He felt guilty. He’s very considerate and caring. I know that about his personality and character. However, that still doesn’t answer the question. Even if he were to reconnect with her, 1 of 3 things will happen
(1) Things will be great, she’ll be glad to see him. She is after all still single. Perhaps she may want a friendship from this, and that would undoubtedly make my friend jump for joy.
(2) She didn’t forget what my friend did. And in fact, she may even question his motives; why now? Why would we start a relationship if you’re married?
(3) Too much time has passed. She doesn’t remember, nor does she care to revisit that time in her life. It wasn’t as significant to her as it was to him.
I know my friend well. You’re not friends with someone 40 years and don’t know how they tick. The good and honorable intentions of apologizing for his behavior nearly 3 decades ago I understand. My fear though is there could be other things brewing here that could do great harm to his marriage.
You hear about it all the time. Many people go through a midlife crisis. Naturally, they question the here and now because of how they conceive things to be, instead of what reality dictates they truly are.
Reconnecting with Old Friends Always Involves Some Risks
If you’ve read our article about reconnecting with old friends, this situation with letting go of someone has its parallels. Maybe the only main differences are that if you reconnect with your old friends and things don’t work out, your spouse is no way affected
I think ideally, the best scenario is if it included your spouse (in some part) with the reunion with that former love. That’s a very tall order to ask of anyone,. A marriage has to be solid and on firm foundation to even pursue that possibility. Leaving a spouse out in a way could cause some hurt feelings. This is especially true if it’s done without his/her knowledge.
You really have to ask whether fixing one problem, and addressing a crisis of conscience in your past, justifies possibly doing more harm to your current marital situation. As one of my friends rightly pointed out: Even if you go back in time and the experience was pleasant, you still have to return today to face reality. It’s like how all great dreams end. Do what your heart tells you, but protect the hearts of others before your own.
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